Writing for: Mike
| In the weather this week, we have a warm front moving in from the south. You can expect the temperatures to be pleasant and for local schools to | gargle my balls |
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| Later in the week we're expecting heavy rainfall, so expect to stay in. Make sure you've got a good book to curl up with and that you're all stocked up on | enough cocaine to snort yourself cross-eyed. |
| Speaking of precipitation, we're expecting some snow later this month. If you're not experienced with driving in snow, remember to slow down, avoid ice, and | aim for the elderly, since running them over is worth more points |
| Winds are going to be high this week, moving predominantly from the south. This is great news if you're looking to fly a kite, and bad news if you're looking to | get locked inside with me while I explain all of Metal Gear Solid 3 to you. You see, it all starts with Solid Snake, who really gets my snake solid. |
| The weather isn't all good news, though ' this summer is likely to be one of the hottest on record, which is being partially attributed to global warming and partially attributed to | Eric's smoking hot v-neck look. I mean, damnnnnnnnn |
| If we want to reverse this, we're all going to have to pitch in and do our part to fight climate change. You can help by | thinking about super cool things, like running over the elderly |
| That's the weather for this week. If you're planning a trip, don't forget to pack your umbrella, your sunscreen, and | an eighteen-pack of condoms with industrial grade lube. |
| Signing off line: | I can and will tell the story of how I lost my toe no matter how many times people ask me in one night. |
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Writing for: Matt
| In space news this week, NASA has announced plans for a new Mars rover named Horizon. Unlike previous rovers, its mission will be to | In space news this week, NASA has announced plans for a new Mars rover named Horizon. Unlike previous rovers, its mission will be to |
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| This announcement brings with it a renewed interest in a manned mission to Mars. NASA is cautiously optimistic, but admits that plans were set back because one of the astronauts kept | |
| Back on Earth, renowned astronaut Buzz Aldrin has recently been arrested. His lawyer has released a statement saying that Aldrin was simply confused on where he was, and that on the moon there are no laws against | |
| Meanwhile, the Russian space program has recently announced plans to revive the Sputnik project. The first man-made satellite in space, Sputnik will now be used for | |
| In other news, new images from the James Webb Deep Space Telescope have revealed some troubling findings ' it turns out that | |
| On the bright side, there will be a meteor shower visible from earth's surface above the southern United States. Grab a blanket and a chair, find a clear spot to sit outside, and get ready to wish on a star for | |
| And hey, do you remember learning about the planets in kindergarten? Well, it turns out that all this time we missed one, so get ready to learn about the planet where | |
| Signing off line: |
Writing for: Scott
| This weekend, the Metropolitan Zoo and Wildlife Conservatory is holding a special event where local families can come and | 111 |
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| Visitors to the zoo will get to enjoy the newly-renovated primate exhibit, where the chimpanzees, orangutangs, and other simians have been trained to | |
| For something with a bit more bite, come and see the large cats exhibit. Though they're usually stealthy and territorial creatures, you'll love getting to witness as a cougar | |
| Remember, though they're beautiful, these are still wild animals and can present a danger to unwary guests. Zookeepers advise that no matter what, you must NOT | |
| And don't forget to add a bit of color to your visit with a stop at the Butterfly Conservatory. If you've ever wanted to see these fragile yet majestic creatures up close, this is your chance ' and you can even | |
| Meanwhile, over in the reptile exhibit, you can see snakes, lizards, and more. Come by for the afternoon feeding, and watch as a Komodo Dragon devours | |
| And don't forget to exit through the gift shop! Commemorate your visit by picking up fun shirts, beautiful photos, or | |
| Signing off line: |
Writing for: Stacia
| In space news this week, NASA has announced plans for a new Mars rover named Horizon. Unlike previous rovers, its mission will be to | Fix the last rover we sent up there. |
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| This announcement brings with it a renewed interest in a manned mission to Mars. NASA is cautiously optimistic, but admits that plans were set back because one of the astronauts kept | Asking are we there yet, until the driver turned this ship around. |
| Back on Earth, renowned astronaut Buzz Aldrin has recently been arrested. His lawyer has released a statement saying that Aldrin was simply confused on where he was, and that on the moon there are no laws against | Putting pineapple on pizza. |
| Meanwhile, the Russian space program has recently announced plans to revive the Sputnik project. The first man-made satellite in space, Sputnik will now be used for | Broadcasting photos of a shirtless Putin on horseback to deep space. |
| In other news, new images from the James Webb Deep Space Telescope have revealed some troubling findings ' it turns out that | Elon's Tesla he shot into space actually contained an illegal clone of Elon in that space suit, not just a dummy. |
| On the bright side, there will be a meteor shower visible from earth's surface above the southern United States. Grab a blanket and a chair, find a clear spot to sit outside, and get ready to wish on a star for | A better reason to leave earth than "we messed up" |
| And hey, do you remember learning about the planets in kindergarten? Well, it turns out that all this time we missed one, so get ready to learn about the planet where | The Apes are from. Anyone have a name for this one? |
| Signing off line: | Live from Eric's Parents house, it's Saturday night!!!! |
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Writing for: Veronica
| There's a new science museum opening in town this week! Located in the heart of the downtown area, come visit the Metropolitan Museum of Science and | Conspiracies |
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| The museum's mission is to make learning fun for children, promoting a hands-on exploration of the natural world and an environment in which | We learn how our oligarchs spin the lies that weave their way into the public education system |
| Your kids can explore scientific fields such as astronomy ' the museum's brand new planetarium teaches how to identify constellations such as the scorpion, the bull, and the | Moon, which we may or may not have actually landed on… |
| There's also a wing dedicated to the earth sciences like geology. Your kids will love getting to identify different kinds of rocks, which they can then keep and use to | Support the widely accepted theory that the Earth is indeed not spherical, but flat. |
| Meanwhile, over in the life sciences exhibit, you'll get to explore the human body inside and out. See working models of the heart and lungs and even a real human brain, which | Features authentic US government microchips, implanted during your most recent COVID vaccination! |
| And you can't miss the ecology exhibit ' learn all about how wildlife lives. Kids can even attend a meet-and-greet where they can pet real, live animals, including lizards, snakes, and | Lizard people. We are proud to announce that we will be featuring one of Mark Zuckerberg’s many spawnlings, so reserve your tickets now! |
| The museum's grand opening is being held next Friday, and they can't wait to open their doors and spread knowledge of the natural world. That's why their slogan is | “I don’t recall saying that” |
| Signing off line: | Stay skeptical. Because this world is a strange one. |
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Writing for: Jeremy
| This week, two criminals are still at large after allegedly attempting to steal from | Citizens Bank Park. |
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| Their plan was perfect ' in theory. In practice, though, it all started going wrong for them when | Out of nowhere Gritty stepped out onto the field. |
| Police say that given the unusual nature of the crime, it was likely that the pair was motivated by | The hot dogs thrown out by the ostrich rider. |
| Authorities have released the names and images of the suspects, so be sure to keep an eye out for | Geronica Verace and Beremy Janks. |
| In fact, if you do spot them, you could get quite the reward. Information leading to the arrest of the alleged perpetrators will be rewarded with | Lifetime tickets to every Cowboys game. |
| Should the pair get caught and convicted, it's likely that their sentence will include jail time, steep fines, and, worst of all, | Lifetime tickets to every Cowboys game. |
| If you're looking to commit some crimes of your own this week, remember to mask up, wear gloves, and above all | Wear gloves, remember to mask up and look to commit some crimes of your own this week. |
| Signing off line: | Ain't no laws when you're drinking Claws |
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Writing for: Eric
| Hey, did you hear that Jeff Bezos is buying a new $500 million yacht? It's rumored to be so big that | Cnncjn |
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| Of course, that's nothing compared to Elon Musk. In an attempt to one-up launching his car into space, this time he's devoted over a billion dollars toward | C. C |
| Meanwhile, Bill Gates seems to be pivoting from using his massive wealth to fight against preventable diseases to using it to fight against | C nc |
| And what do all these billionaires have in common? They're divorced! Now I'm no expert, but if I were a billionaire and I wanted to stay married I'd | Ncnc |
| If you're interested in becoming a billionaire of your own, it's really not that hard. All you have to do is work hard, make smart decisions, and | Hjccj |
| Of course, smart investments are also a key part of the strategy. Identify stocks that are likely to rise in value, such as companies that | |
| And lastly, don't forget to use your money for good. It's important to make charitable contributions to organizations that will use it to do things like expand access to clean water, contribute to advances in medical treatment, or | |
| Signing off line: |
Writing for: Krista
| In sports news this week, the opening ceremony of the Summer Olympic Games was held on Saturday. Despite backlash from critics, the games this year are being held in | A North Korean concentration camp, to celebrate the spirit of hard work and dedication to one’s country. |
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| As ever, the opening ceremony is based on the running of the Olympic Torch. Unfortunately, before it could reach its destination, the torch was extinguished by | The air of desperation and suffering. |
| Michael Phelps returns to defend his title as one of the most dominant swimmers in history. He's won 26 gold medals, plus an honorary trophy for | Having a strangely elongated body. |
| Meanwhile, gymnast Simone Biles has expressed concerns about the integrity of this year's gymnastics competitions, citing claims that the judges are | Pretending not to see her because they’re a bunch of racist Asians. |
| In a surprise last-minute withdrawal, the U.S. soccer team won't be competing as scheduled. When asked the reason, the head coach said | The mood of the desperately underfed and overworked crowd was too much of a downer. |
| Tragedy struck at the archery range, when, despite a strong lead, one of the archers decided to | Make a break for the border into South Korea, where he would likely be paid in addition to being fed. |
| At the end of the day, though, the Olympics are all about good, clean competition between the world's best athletes ' that's why they no longer allow | Sweating, because it’s a filthy habit. |
| Signing off line: | We could still nuke them if we wanted to. |
Writing for: Leif
| In entertainment news this week, the Oscars are coming up. The nominees for best picture have been announced, including the surprise nomination of | LEEROYYYY JENKINS! |
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| Meanwhile, the recently-announced production of a Michael Jackson biopic has hit a roadblock, when the studio couldn't | figure out if it was more racist to cast a white actor or a black one for the titular role. |
| A new slate of Marvel movies was recently announced, with directors stating that they were taking the franchise in a more grounded, realistic direction: the main villain for this arc is | Capitalism Man, and his sidekick, Great Pacific Garbage Patch Girl. |
| Meanwhile, actor Will Smith is attempting to rehabilitate his career after the Chris Rock slap. In addition to his apology, he's stated that he intends to | host the Oscars next year and let Chris Rock come up and slap HIM. Fair's fair! |
| In a surprising new trend, weird frat bros everywhere are no longer claiming that Fight Club is their favorite movie. 'In order to keep up with the times,' said one, 'we've all decided to base our personalities around | Minions: The Rise of Gru. It's the gentleman's choice, not just for nerds and virgins." |
| Media monolith Disney has been struggling to maintain their public image in the face of the poor treatment of their artists, so it seems they've decided to just lean into it: artists on Disney movies will now be | treated exactly like Jeff Bezos treats Amazon employees. Onsite lodging during production will be provided by Super 8 Motels, now with extra bedbugs. |
| Lastly, don't forget that any time of year is a great time to enjoy a Hallmark movie. Snuggle up and watch as a big city girl and a small town boy | accidentally send nudes to each other's parents. Uh-oh! Guess the naughty list has two new names! |
| Signing off line: | Keep calm, carry on, and the cake is a lie. |